I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been struggling.
Not only with my physical health but my mental health too.
Some of my regular customers, fellow stall holders and market organisers know as a family we have been through A LOT over the past couple of years.
The last time I was truly happy was my graduation day in 2023. My elderly father and my younger sister were able to be there along with my husband and our two daughters. Looking back I’m amazed dad managed the day. Little did I know then, but he had been going to the doctors and the hospital for tests which later revealed he had cancer, and within six months he had gone. It’s still very painful to think about, I worshipped my dad, and he was my go-to for advice and help.
Around six months later I was at work when I started to feel very ill. I managed to drive home somehow, got my husband home and then went to the hospital. To cut a long story short, my gallbladder had ruptured and eventually I was admitted with suspected sepsis. I would need an operation to remove my gallbladder. After a lengthy wait I finally had my operation just over a year ago. Of course, it didn’t go to plan and I ended up with infections and antibiotics and daily visits to my local GP once I was finally discharged.
Still coming to terms with all that, my sister messaged me to say not to worry but mum had had a fall and was ok but on her way to hospital to get checked. I couldn’t help but worry, and sadly she was diagnosed with cancer which had spread to several parts of her body – she passed away three weeks after being admitted.
If you follow my blog you will know most of this already, which is why I’ve tried to be brief. What you may not have noticed is how badly I’ve struggled with my inner voice. I remember telling my sister after my first illness how I’d wished I hadn’t got better just so I could see dad again – the signs were there that I wasn’t well. I have a tendency to relive moments with such clarity that I’m transported back to the moment, with all the emotion as if it was happening again. I clearly recall the struggle to get my lungs working again so I could be discharged, the loneliness of being in a side room rather than a bay, but missing the privacy post op when I was in a bay.
The distress and sadness hearing the family of the patient in the next room as he slipped away, knowing that not long ago it was us with dad. The feelings of being a nuisance post op every time I pressed the buzzer for help. The absolute terror of the porter turning up to take me for an MRI I hadn’t been told I needed, then having a breakdown in the room with the staff as it all came flooding out.
I’m still struggling with how my body now looks, with a huge scar across my stomach and the smaller ones from the first attempt at sorting my gallbladder out. The feelings of not being invincible that come with a long period of good health followed by an unexpected failure somewhere have suddenly made me feel old and fragile. I read somewhere how losing your parents doesn’t just bring grief, but the knowledge of ‘it’s your turn next’ and how you are no longer someone’s daughter. It’s a different type of pain to losing grandparents and aunties/uncles. It’s little things like not messaging mum to let her know you got home safely. It’s really hard.
Alongside all of this, my nieces dad passed away unexpectedly which was heartbreaking for us all. So much loss to process all in such a short space of time. I guess it’s not surprising that I’m struggling so much.
I’ve lost interest in gardening, crafts, baking – all the things I loved to do – and even my business has felt like it’s trundling along, going through the motions of attending markets and fairs. I’m grateful for every single customer even if I haven’t been able to show it.
I am getting help, my GP has been fantastic and I am very much taking one day at a time. I can cope with work and being mum taxi, but going to the supermarket or for a day out is way too much and the panic attacks are horrible. Please know that if you are struggling too, just getting out of bed each day is a victory. Be patient with yourself but most importantly BE KIND – you are fighting demons and it’s exhausting!
Cari xx
